Night #9: Hydra: The Lost Island (2009)

Directed By: Who cares really?

So this is what happens when you let booze get the better of you and pick a movie. Yet, through some weird coincidence, it shares some similarities with yesterday’s offering.

There’s a weird sameness to all these movies. They look like they’re shot in the same locations, starring the same people and all share the same flat look. I shouldn’t be surprised, and I really know better, but it was the booze. Honest.

So our link to yesterday’s movie: A bunch of rich folks are hunting convicts on an uninhabited island. They’re all super hunters, and man is the most dangerous game and all that. Of course, they didn’t reckon on a Hydra being present. They make some vague reference to the island being Greek, but like everywhere in these movies, it’s Canada.

Usually these things are just rampant monsters running around, but then they bring in some Greek mythology (represented here by some broken pottery) and we get some Indiana Jones action as the hero manages to find the sword of Hercules. None of this really works all that well of course, and no one has any real reaction to both seeing a Hydra and there being a real life sword of Hercules beyond ‘Huh’. The existential questions these incidents would raise are head spinning.

So I don’t know, it’s not really on the right side of fun, and it even manages to make evisceration by a multi-headed serpent boring. There’s only so many times you can see someone lose their limbs due to poor CGI. But that’s the nature of these things; they’re just made to be sold to TV Markets rather than enjoyed. Special mention has to go to the music, which never varies from a level best described as ‘jaunty’.I wouldn’t be surprised to learn that it was music written for something totally different as I didn’t think wailing guitar was the best score to a beheading, but that shows what I know. I’m almost certain that at one point I heard a saxophone.

There you have it. My advice, avoid, and don’t pick movies when you’ve had a little to drink, or try and write about them afterwards; it’s very unprofessional. By the way, I’m pretty sure the sword is cardboard.

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