Look out of the window right now (unless it’s night time which would make this a pointless exercise). What’s that you see? Some kind of light? Rainclouds? A strong gust of wind? That’s right, it’s summertime. It’s the time of year where we have a good four days of sunshine, so with these handy do’s and don’ts I’ll make sure you men out there make the most of it.

Do: Wear appropriate footwear.

Ok so this is very important. When wearing sandals be sure that you’re wearing socks. We’re all here to impress the ladies right? Set her tummy fluttering with white socks pulled up to the shin. Anything less would just look too casual and give off the vibe that you don’t care about your appearance. As for the sandals, brown leather is the way to go; the older and more battered they look the better.

Don’t: Hydrate.

Hydration is for people who read articles telling them what to do because they can’t think for themselves. No one drinks water voluntarily. No one.

Do: Feel free to play your music.

Go outside and listen, what might you hear? A babbling brook perhaps? Maybe the birds are singing, maybe you hear the sound of a soft summer breeze cascading through a bush and the gentle rustle of the leaves. It’s nature in all its resplendent glory, and the only way to improve on nature is to play some EDM from your tinny iPhone speaker at a volume that renders everything as sounding like metal in a blender. In a park, on a bus, doesn’t matter. Play it and play it loud, everyone will be glad of the aural accompaniment.

Don’t: Use suntan lotion.

Sweat is nature’s suntan lotion. That’s science, don’t even bother looking it up because I’ve just given you a fact. When the sun is beating down outside stop and think to yourself, ‘What am I? A man or a baby?’

Note: Babies shouldn’t use suntan lotion either unless you want them to grow up ‘soft’.

Do: Walk around with no top on.

This is particularly true for all Men. Fat, thin, muscular, John Merrick; Summer is the one time that men can be proud of their bodies and the rest of the world will not judge you. This is a certainty. It’s like, against the law or something.

It is your right to show off your body when the sun is out. It is how you were meant to be. If you want to make a real statement, hang a T-shirt over your shoulder.

Don’t: Use aftersun.

If you can’t use suntan lotion what makes you think you should use aftersun? Red is your natural colour; embrace it. The sweet stinging pain that prickles your skin is all the lotion you need. Do you know the key ingredient of aftersun? A vagina.

Do: If you do have to dress up, do it properly.

Ok so it’s the night time, and while you should be out solving crimes like Mitch Buchanan, you’ve been invited to a social event instead. This is undoubtedly something you are, quote, “up for”. So what do you wear? A nice short sleeved shirt and some jeans? Linen trousers and a t-shirt? WRONG. You do own a football jersey don’t you? I mean you’re a man aren’t you? Acceptable jerseys are either your national team or that foreign team you don’t actually support and can’t point to on a map but you like one of their players in a non-homo way for is superior ball skills.

Note: Complete this summer look by greeting people loudly and with the refrain “Oi Oiiiiiiiii”.

Don’t: Worry about that BBQ food.

Complete this word: Cave___. These hulking bastions to testosterone didn’t have meat thermometers, they didn’t have the latest in barbecue technology either. They had two things: Meat and fire. They put the meat over the fire and put the stuff in their mouths. And they lived long healthy lives. Here’s something a Caveman never said:

“Ooh this looks a bit pink.”

He didn’t even know what pink was. So next time someone tells you that a sausage isn’t done yet you pick that bad boy up and bite into it, and while you struggle to chew down the raw materials that make up a Richmond sausage you tell them that yes, yes it is.

You’re a man. Now go out there and act like one.