Three’s are all around us. The Holy Trinity, good Die Hard movies, Jonas Brothers. Dieters are no exception. Luckily I’ve managed to break them down to three, relatable, bite sized chunks for your reading pleasure.

The Casual

Chances are this is you, yes, you. You’re the one who, when the inevitable tide of a New Year rolls around, decides that now is going to be the time. This is your year. You look towards others for thinspiration. You say things like thinspiration. You probably can’t go to the gym until you have matching gym attire. But why end there. You need a water bottle too, as opposed to a bottle of water. Not just any old one either but a good one, maybe one of those curved ones that look so sleek. Don’t forget those sweat bands. Where do they go? Who knows, just put it on. You simply can’t go anywhere until that arm strap that holds your phone has arrived from Amazon. You’re the type of person who can’t start a diet on a day that isn’t a Monday. This, basically, is most of us. So you’re in good company. It’s less about making everything perfect and more about delaying the inevitable. Bowing down to the demands of society you put the effort in to look like you’re putting the effort in. Expect the enthusiasm to taper off going into February, and die completely once March rolls around.

The Constant Dieter

This is The Casual who doesn’t know when to give up. Rather than face defeat the Constant Dieter is always ready to move on to something else, usually ending in extremes. They can often be seen forwarding emails for some intense diet that will guarantee you lose half your body fat in two weeks. Keen advocate of the ‘Cabbage Diet’. Also a firm believer in throwing out pseudo-science and saying things like “I’m just eating clean now.” Can occasionally be heard muttering about “Toxins”. They believe everything they read until something new comes along and then they believe that instead. They’re the most prone to binging in secret and most definitely have a secret stash of chocolate somewhere. Will most certainly make inappropriate sounds when they eat a cake. Voted most likely to develop some Howard Hughes like tendencies in their later years.

The Zealot

Paradoxically, they’re both more and less intense than The Constant Dieter. They switch less between diets but when they find one they like they really like it. This is the type of person who buys all editions of The Atkins Diet just in case there’s something new in there and who is ready to back themselves up with science that they don’t actually understand but have come to learn verbatim. Doesn’t know the difference between Fructose and Glucose. Would actually fail miserably if they came up against someone who knew what they were talking about and so remains secretly thankful for the ignorance of others. If the zealot is a Male they will be seen grunting, swearing and slapping other men in the Gym. If they’re Female then chances are they just hate Men but have perfect abs. They have nightmares about cream fillings. Will spend a lifetime chasing some form of perfection they will never obtain and will most likely die in pursuit of it during some horrific triathlon event.

So there you have it. If you fall into the first category then well done and welcome to the club. If you’re in the second then you’re ok, just know that your friends are tired of you talking about the correct way to lose weight and if you’re the third then…well I’m just sorry.